Mood: What

I can feel myself progressing but, of course, it isn't enough to make me happy. Sure, I can actually see the bones in my wrist now, and my hips have started to protrude, but it isn't enough. Not until someone comments, and even then I won't be that moved. I almost feel like I'm getting fatter, but I know that can't be the case. It's just be seeing something different in the mirror. Still, I am not content. My head hurts a lot, my eyes hurt even more, there's this horrid sensation in my stomach of concaving... I just feel weak. But I don't know what else I expected; I haven't eaten in two days. In part because of the vyvanse, but that just gives the push I need... I could easily force myself to eat.

Listening to indie music my C's roommate and his friends make is pretty nice. I hardly listen to any music of my own anymore so it's nice to appreciate some real passionate shit. I feel awful. I have a game that I could play, and a quiz that I could be studying for... but I don't know. I don't know why I'm no doing it, I'm just not. It's not that I feel lazy, because I don't. I'm such a mess right now. I kind of just want to go to sleep but I know there's no way that I can. I need more vyvanse but I can't get it until Saturday. Kind of freaking out, but it'll be okay. So many things I could be doing. God my head hurts.

Shrink

I am getting thinner. Slowly but surely, thanks to a large amount of Vyvanse that I have been indulging in lately that makes me anti-hungry, as I so eloquently put it. I can feel it when he calls me cute, a compliment that has become more frequent over the past week. I can feel it because my pants aren't as tight, my belly doesn't hang over my jeans as much. When I put my legs together, I can see a small gap beginning to form on my lower thigh- I have discovered that this is evidence of my shrinking, and soon there will be a pretty decent gap that will make me feel better about myself substantially. My love handles don't hang over my underwear as they once did and I am not ashamed to walk around in panties when I am around him. I feel like he loves me more than ever before, and it gives me such a great feeling that I would be content with not eating for at least another month or too, until I was perfect. We'll see.

I have literally done homework all day everyday for the past couple of weeks, and I am exhausted. My stomach feels so tight that I can't bother to drink coffee or even drink water, which is probably really bad. My muscles hurt, especially my legs, when I stand up for too long. Walking up the stairs is killer. I really want to sleep. I will probably use this as an excuse to get out of dinner. Or perhaps I will claim to have a terrible stomach ache. My boyfriend's birthday tomorrow, and there's no way that I will be able to get out of eating then, so I really can't today. Ah well. Is it bad that I want to be a lot thinner when I meet his family? For some reason I think they will like me more, and will think that I am better suited for him. I will love more adorable, more innocent with smaller boobs, less voluptuous hips and butt. My face is already young-looking enough, but with less weight I will surely look even more gentle and docile. These thoughts give me strength. I am precisely a week ahead in most of my classes but that does not seem like enough to me. I feel like I need to get it ALL done now, all of the upcoming work that I'm aware of, that is. I have to go tutor children on Monday and the thought of having to be social instead of working all day is making me panic. They are just children, I must remind myself. For some reason I think that makes it all the more terrifying. I have done this before, I shouldn't be so worried.

I can hardly think of anything more to say because I want to sleep so bad. I am excited for all of my nice clothes to fit me again. The last time I lost a lot of weight I felt so confident that literally no one could bring me down. I felt a lot better than everyone, and even though that probably isn't healthy, it's a lot better than believing I am beneath everyone like I do now. Maybe I won't worry about my boyfriend cheating on my so much if I were thinner. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't I wish his phone wouldn't vibrate so frequently, it makes me agonize of who it is and if her is talking to some girl secretly, deleting the messages right away because he knows I will see them eventually. I don't want to drink because it has too many calories. Thankfully my boyfriend has stopped drinking as well, so it's a lot easier.

 My arms are sore from typing, I'm getting pretty weak. It's not that bad though, I've felt worse- when every time I would stand up, I would faint. I don't really want to do anything fun right now. It seems illogical. I just want to work, in order to distract myself from my other worries that would otherwise plague my thoughts. I would go on tumblr and start scrolling thorough page after page of thin girls and sad quotes that consume my dashboard, but there is a large window behind me. I don't want anyone walking by to see, that would be extremely embarrassing. I kind of want to leave my boyfriend and go to lay down in my room, but I hate being separated from him and he hates being separated from me. Plus, I'm not sure I'm tired enough to fall asleep without hearing his steady heartbeat when my ear is pressed against his chest, which is his favorite way to sleep. Sometimes he wraps his arms around me, lays on his side with me on my back, and squeezes me in his sleep. It isn't very comfortable for me, but feeling his stubbly chin pressed against my forehead makes me feel warm and loved like never before. So I don't move him. Even when He snores so close to my ears. I can handle it, because he kisses my forehead whenever he wakes up for a moment and groggily whispers "I love you" before sleep takes over once more.