Realization

I need to put this to rest once and for all. I do not hate him, and that was a terrible thing for me to say. I am paranoid, suspicious, and I am not as forgiving as I thought I was. One lie, that I made into something bigger than what it was. He will not leave me for some model whose picture he favorited on twitter. I favorite pictures of guys too, but I would never even dream of doing such a thing, even if I met them. They are nothing to me, just a pretty face and a nice body but they may as well be the ugliest person in the world compared to my C. I feel nothing for these men other than a momentary attraction; they do not consume my thoughts and own my heart like C. They don't rub my back when I'm too sick to sleep or do ridiculous things to make me happy. And that is why he doesn't get jealous when I do it; he knows that no matter how attractive any man is, I will always be his. He will be the one I marry and have children with and move to California with. And I need to realize that the same goes for him. Those girls mean nothing to him, he loves me with all his heart. I can see the way it pains him when I accuse him of things, and I feel so terrible about it once I come to my senses. Everything he has ever said or done, now or in the past, proves that he will always be true to me, and I need to realize this at heart. I'm getting better, but it's difficult when I feel so bad about myself and feel the need to compare myself with those girls... and yet I know that we are perfect for each other, and every little thing about me makes me the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I need to put this in my heart, in my mind, to believe it without any doubt. It will take some work, and some time, but eventually I will get there. WE will get there. And then I can relax and just enjoy how perfect my relationship with him is, and finally be happy, truly and completely happy about something in my life.

Bitterness and Disgust

I hate him right now. I shouldn't, but I fucking do. I hate him so much that when I look at him, all I want to do is see him cry. I want him to be as unhappy as I am every moment of my miserable fucking life. I want him to want to kill himself as much as I want to be dead. The sight of him makes me sick to my stomach, I hate him. I hate him because I'm so in love with him and he isn't as perfect as I wish he was. Maybe that's unfair of me. I don't trust him, because men aren't to be trusted. They are sneaky, especially the smart ones. They think they are clever enough to get away with anything, they are such good liars. Especially him. So charming as well. I wish he wouldn't talk. So fucking calm and doesn't care about anything doesn't get jealous, so obviously he doesn't give a fuck. He makes me furious and I won't cheer up tonight unless I see him cry. He makes me sick. I want to hate him but I can't. So furious I feel like I'm going to be sick this war raging I want to punch him over and over to he feels the pain that grows progressively worse inside of me to get some idea of what it's like to constantly be in pain I can't stand when he smiles right now I want to hate him I want to hate him but really I just hate myself.

Mood: What

I can feel myself progressing but, of course, it isn't enough to make me happy. Sure, I can actually see the bones in my wrist now, and my hips have started to protrude, but it isn't enough. Not until someone comments, and even then I won't be that moved. I almost feel like I'm getting fatter, but I know that can't be the case. It's just be seeing something different in the mirror. Still, I am not content. My head hurts a lot, my eyes hurt even more, there's this horrid sensation in my stomach of concaving... I just feel weak. But I don't know what else I expected; I haven't eaten in two days. In part because of the vyvanse, but that just gives the push I need... I could easily force myself to eat.

Listening to indie music my C's roommate and his friends make is pretty nice. I hardly listen to any music of my own anymore so it's nice to appreciate some real passionate shit. I feel awful. I have a game that I could play, and a quiz that I could be studying for... but I don't know. I don't know why I'm no doing it, I'm just not. It's not that I feel lazy, because I don't. I'm such a mess right now. I kind of just want to go to sleep but I know there's no way that I can. I need more vyvanse but I can't get it until Saturday. Kind of freaking out, but it'll be okay. So many things I could be doing. God my head hurts.

Shrink

I am getting thinner. Slowly but surely, thanks to a large amount of Vyvanse that I have been indulging in lately that makes me anti-hungry, as I so eloquently put it. I can feel it when he calls me cute, a compliment that has become more frequent over the past week. I can feel it because my pants aren't as tight, my belly doesn't hang over my jeans as much. When I put my legs together, I can see a small gap beginning to form on my lower thigh- I have discovered that this is evidence of my shrinking, and soon there will be a pretty decent gap that will make me feel better about myself substantially. My love handles don't hang over my underwear as they once did and I am not ashamed to walk around in panties when I am around him. I feel like he loves me more than ever before, and it gives me such a great feeling that I would be content with not eating for at least another month or too, until I was perfect. We'll see.

I have literally done homework all day everyday for the past couple of weeks, and I am exhausted. My stomach feels so tight that I can't bother to drink coffee or even drink water, which is probably really bad. My muscles hurt, especially my legs, when I stand up for too long. Walking up the stairs is killer. I really want to sleep. I will probably use this as an excuse to get out of dinner. Or perhaps I will claim to have a terrible stomach ache. My boyfriend's birthday tomorrow, and there's no way that I will be able to get out of eating then, so I really can't today. Ah well. Is it bad that I want to be a lot thinner when I meet his family? For some reason I think they will like me more, and will think that I am better suited for him. I will love more adorable, more innocent with smaller boobs, less voluptuous hips and butt. My face is already young-looking enough, but with less weight I will surely look even more gentle and docile. These thoughts give me strength. I am precisely a week ahead in most of my classes but that does not seem like enough to me. I feel like I need to get it ALL done now, all of the upcoming work that I'm aware of, that is. I have to go tutor children on Monday and the thought of having to be social instead of working all day is making me panic. They are just children, I must remind myself. For some reason I think that makes it all the more terrifying. I have done this before, I shouldn't be so worried.

I can hardly think of anything more to say because I want to sleep so bad. I am excited for all of my nice clothes to fit me again. The last time I lost a lot of weight I felt so confident that literally no one could bring me down. I felt a lot better than everyone, and even though that probably isn't healthy, it's a lot better than believing I am beneath everyone like I do now. Maybe I won't worry about my boyfriend cheating on my so much if I were thinner. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't I wish his phone wouldn't vibrate so frequently, it makes me agonize of who it is and if her is talking to some girl secretly, deleting the messages right away because he knows I will see them eventually. I don't want to drink because it has too many calories. Thankfully my boyfriend has stopped drinking as well, so it's a lot easier.

 My arms are sore from typing, I'm getting pretty weak. It's not that bad though, I've felt worse- when every time I would stand up, I would faint. I don't really want to do anything fun right now. It seems illogical. I just want to work, in order to distract myself from my other worries that would otherwise plague my thoughts. I would go on tumblr and start scrolling thorough page after page of thin girls and sad quotes that consume my dashboard, but there is a large window behind me. I don't want anyone walking by to see, that would be extremely embarrassing. I kind of want to leave my boyfriend and go to lay down in my room, but I hate being separated from him and he hates being separated from me. Plus, I'm not sure I'm tired enough to fall asleep without hearing his steady heartbeat when my ear is pressed against his chest, which is his favorite way to sleep. Sometimes he wraps his arms around me, lays on his side with me on my back, and squeezes me in his sleep. It isn't very comfortable for me, but feeling his stubbly chin pressed against my forehead makes me feel warm and loved like never before. So I don't move him. Even when He snores so close to my ears. I can handle it, because he kisses my forehead whenever he wakes up for a moment and groggily whispers "I love you" before sleep takes over once more.

Paradox?

I am too depressed to do homework, but the fact that I am wasting time is making me more depressed. I am depressed because I want to eat something fattening, but if I ate even an apple it would make me more depressed. I am depressed because my boyfriend is here and I can't hurt myself, but if he was not here I would be even more depressed and cut myself twice as bad. I am depressed because I don't take my medicine, but the thought of going and getting my prescription makes me more depressed. I am depressed because I don't have money, and yet I don't have money because I'm spending it on things that I hope will make me less depressed. I am depressed because I can't find a reason to smile, but looking at cute, happy, or funny things would make me even more depressed. I am depressed because I am depressed and I really want to hurt myself or scream or something, I feel this terrible hole/weight in my chest and I don't know how to get rid of it but I kind of just want to hit myself really hard to see if I can distract myself from it. I've decided food will stop being the answer because it never helps. I want to sleep but I want to work all day and all night so I have an excuse not to worry about anything else. I want to feel physical pain instead of this pathetic internal shit that I can't do anything about. There isn't any pain killer that can soothe this. Actually, there is, but sadly I don't have any vicodin or oxy or perc or valium or anything like that and it's miserable I wish i had some of that i wish i had something other than this useless fucking lamictal that they give me my god can i at east have prozac i mean shit.

Losing

Word of the Day: Bitching

"I don't need to eat anymore." As I'm sitting here, attempting to do my homework, this is the thought that recurs in my mind. I have eaten enough, and although I like to complain about how hungry I am and things like that, I don't need to eat anymore. Don't you see when C scrolls back up on his news feed to look a few seconds longer at those pretty, scantily clad girls that he would rather be with someone who looks like one of them? I can guarantee that no one looks at my pictures like that. Makes me feel great about myself, I've got to tell you. Anyway, these thoughts are plaguing my mind and thus I am unable to do anything productive because I am too worried about whether or not I should starve myself. Wow, food is quite good, but do I even really taste it anymore? I'm not too sure.

I'm very stressed, and I don't want to write down the reasons why because I don't want to look back and remember them later. They aren't really that serious. I just worry about everything. I don't remember if I worried less while I was on my medication but now I'm starting to think that I should go fill my prescription and get back on that crazy grind. But then again those meds are what made me put all this weight on again soooo.... decisions decisions. I've decided not to eat.

My mind is racing and I'm all over the place and I just can't focus on one thing for very long and it's excruciatingly difficult for me to deal with this when all I want to do is everything at once and yet I can't and THUS I type because it enables me to do two things at once- typing and thinking and writing which is the closest I can get to multitasking while still getting things accomplished. That's pretty sad, most people wouldn't consider this multitasking but in the literal sense, it kind of is.

Anyway I want to punch my boyfriend in the face for some reason and I don't know why, so I think not eating would be for the best because it dulls my emotions and I ate pretty unhealthily last night. And really eating like I normally do isn't very much fun, this at least gives me something to bitch about and to give time more meaning. I'm strange. Or maybe I'm not, since I acknowledge it. I wish there was something I could do right now that I could consider intellectually stimulating but I'm actually too lazy to do anything that might make me more scholarly right now and all I want to do is bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I really want to punch someone and then close my eyes and sleep and not eat. I think it's just this library, I felt so much better in my room, with the fresh air seeping gently through the window. I felt a lot better, happier. I don't know why I am so angry right now, jesus. I wish I could take my therapist's advice and chase away these kinds of feelings but I'm too stubborn to put in that kind of effort, thus they reason why I will remain fucked up like this for quite some time. I really want to punch someone and be really shitty and get yelled at, for some reason I feel like that would make me feel better and more willing to do my homework. Not that I'm not going to do my homework, I just needed to do some bitching so I will be able to let my anger go for a while when I'm actually doing the work. I'm such a mess.

Manic Ramblings Part Uno

Ciao. I'm trying this whole thing again. Perhaps it is because I'm manic. Another reason could be that I feel like less of myself because I haven't written so long, and I'm convinced that any skill I convinced myself that I possessed has faded away over the year(s?). Hopefully I remember to write something at least once a week. I do believe that these blogs can be a lot of help, and on my part they are very interesting and entertaining. I feel like I can express myself better now that I have stopped taking my medication. We will see how long this lasts.

A little bit about me: I have a boyfriend, we'll call him C. He is very personable, optimistic, and loves video games, movies, and music. He is a nerd and uses big words that make me feel like an idiot in comparison. I am needlessly jealous when it comes to him. I am always with him except for while I am in class. I have two girl friends, S and E. I see less of them, but I will talk about them if something important happens. I attend a very nice university. My mother is negative, a bit uneducated, and we have very little if nothing in common. We fight a lot and I don't understand her but I know she loves me. My father is erratic but we have a great deal in common. He is funny and smart, and he loves me a lot as well. These will probably be the most important people I talk about, but others will come and go.

Right now in my life I am attempting to lose all the weight I gained since the holidays started. It's been like twenty pounds, oops. Literally started eating better today. I don't fit into any of my clothes so I should probably hurry. Won't be doing it healthily. I have two tests this week so I'm freaking out about that. Currently streaming the twitch Pokemon marathon thing and have been all day. Um. Dealing with resigning from Greek life, haven't fully unpacked in my new room, dealing with a fear of horror movie characters when I go shower, and trying to turn myself into a super scholar. I drink a lot of coffee and I'm trying to come up with ideas for a video game that I've told myself and everyone that I'm going to create. At the moment nothing really interesting is coming to mind, maybe it's the monotony of the Pokemon music in the background keeping my mind from wandering off into new and intriguing places. C is playing his 3DS and I'm sitting on the floor wondering why they make these lights so harsh and blinding. I swear I have a constant headache. I wonder what he thinks I'm doing, but I also imagine that he doesn't really care. He doesn't worry about things like that. I wish I could read minds, although I know I probably would be so depressed if I could, I think it would sate my curiosity. I would be very smart but very lonely. Hm. Actually I don't think I would want that. Nevermind.

I've always thought that I should start a blog to talk about real world problems and happenings and things like that but I know I wouldn't be able to, I'm too vain. Plus that isn't my writing style, to just summarize. I have to make bold accusations about things and that's not what people really want to hear about, you know?

It almost makes me laugh, the fact that no one will really read this. But I will pretend that I have an audience, I'll put on an illusion of me having some sort of fan base of people who really want to know the inner workings of my mind. Most of the time when people talk to me I fake being interested. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. I just don't get entertained by things that people generally talk about nowadays. Like, pop culture and gossip doesn't really rouse any sort of emotion in me. "Oh, that's nice." "That's cool." "That's stupid." "How crazy!" "What a loser!" Those sort of things are what have become my common responses. Oh my god! I want to RPG with someone, I think that would be fantastic! If I work ahead and get my things done, perhaps I will have the time (and motivation?!) to begin talking with someone again for fun! I love that sort of thing. My mind is all over the place and I'm sure I'm not making any sense at the moment, but I'm manic and happy and so excited about the possibility of role playing with someone again that I think i will get in contact with someone now! Arrivederci!