I am too depressed to do homework, but the fact that I am wasting time is making me more depressed. I am depressed because I want to eat something fattening, but if I ate even an apple it would make me more depressed. I am depressed because my boyfriend is here and I can't hurt myself, but if he was not here I would be even more depressed and cut myself twice as bad. I am depressed because I don't take my medicine, but the thought of going and getting my prescription makes me more depressed. I am depressed because I don't have money, and yet I don't have money because I'm spending it on things that I hope will make me less depressed. I am depressed because I can't find a reason to smile, but looking at cute, happy, or funny things would make me even more depressed. I am depressed because I am depressed and I really want to hurt myself or scream or something, I feel this terrible hole/weight in my chest and I don't know how to get rid of it but I kind of just want to hit myself really hard to see if I can distract myself from it. I've decided food will stop being the answer because it never helps. I want to sleep but I want to work all day and all night so I have an excuse not to worry about anything else. I want to feel physical pain instead of this pathetic internal shit that I can't do anything about. There isn't any pain killer that can soothe this. Actually, there is, but sadly I don't have any vicodin or oxy or perc or valium or anything like that and it's miserable I wish i had some of that i wish i had something other than this useless fucking lamictal that they give me my god can i at east have prozac i mean shit.
Losing
Monday, February 24, 2014
Word of the Day: Bitching
"I don't need to eat anymore." As I'm sitting here, attempting to do my homework, this is the thought that recurs in my mind. I have eaten enough, and although I like to complain about how hungry I am and things like that, I don't need to eat anymore. Don't you see when C scrolls back up on his news feed to look a few seconds longer at those pretty, scantily clad girls that he would rather be with someone who looks like one of them? I can guarantee that no one looks at my pictures like that. Makes me feel great about myself, I've got to tell you. Anyway, these thoughts are plaguing my mind and thus I am unable to do anything productive because I am too worried about whether or not I should starve myself. Wow, food is quite good, but do I even really taste it anymore? I'm not too sure.
I'm very stressed, and I don't want to write down the reasons why because I don't want to look back and remember them later. They aren't really that serious. I just worry about everything. I don't remember if I worried less while I was on my medication but now I'm starting to think that I should go fill my prescription and get back on that crazy grind. But then again those meds are what made me put all this weight on again soooo.... decisions decisions. I've decided not to eat.
My mind is racing and I'm all over the place and I just can't focus on one thing for very long and it's excruciatingly difficult for me to deal with this when all I want to do is everything at once and yet I can't and THUS I type because it enables me to do two things at once- typing and thinking and writing which is the closest I can get to multitasking while still getting things accomplished. That's pretty sad, most people wouldn't consider this multitasking but in the literal sense, it kind of is.
Anyway I want to punch my boyfriend in the face for some reason and I don't know why, so I think not eating would be for the best because it dulls my emotions and I ate pretty unhealthily last night. And really eating like I normally do isn't very much fun, this at least gives me something to bitch about and to give time more meaning. I'm strange. Or maybe I'm not, since I acknowledge it. I wish there was something I could do right now that I could consider intellectually stimulating but I'm actually too lazy to do anything that might make me more scholarly right now and all I want to do is bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I really want to punch someone and then close my eyes and sleep and not eat. I think it's just this library, I felt so much better in my room, with the fresh air seeping gently through the window. I felt a lot better, happier. I don't know why I am so angry right now, jesus. I wish I could take my therapist's advice and chase away these kinds of feelings but I'm too stubborn to put in that kind of effort, thus they reason why I will remain fucked up like this for quite some time. I really want to punch someone and be really shitty and get yelled at, for some reason I feel like that would make me feel better and more willing to do my homework. Not that I'm not going to do my homework, I just needed to do some bitching so I will be able to let my anger go for a while when I'm actually doing the work. I'm such a mess.
I'm very stressed, and I don't want to write down the reasons why because I don't want to look back and remember them later. They aren't really that serious. I just worry about everything. I don't remember if I worried less while I was on my medication but now I'm starting to think that I should go fill my prescription and get back on that crazy grind. But then again those meds are what made me put all this weight on again soooo.... decisions decisions. I've decided not to eat.
My mind is racing and I'm all over the place and I just can't focus on one thing for very long and it's excruciatingly difficult for me to deal with this when all I want to do is everything at once and yet I can't and THUS I type because it enables me to do two things at once- typing and thinking and writing which is the closest I can get to multitasking while still getting things accomplished. That's pretty sad, most people wouldn't consider this multitasking but in the literal sense, it kind of is.
Anyway I want to punch my boyfriend in the face for some reason and I don't know why, so I think not eating would be for the best because it dulls my emotions and I ate pretty unhealthily last night. And really eating like I normally do isn't very much fun, this at least gives me something to bitch about and to give time more meaning. I'm strange. Or maybe I'm not, since I acknowledge it. I wish there was something I could do right now that I could consider intellectually stimulating but I'm actually too lazy to do anything that might make me more scholarly right now and all I want to do is bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I really want to punch someone and then close my eyes and sleep and not eat. I think it's just this library, I felt so much better in my room, with the fresh air seeping gently through the window. I felt a lot better, happier. I don't know why I am so angry right now, jesus. I wish I could take my therapist's advice and chase away these kinds of feelings but I'm too stubborn to put in that kind of effort, thus they reason why I will remain fucked up like this for quite some time. I really want to punch someone and be really shitty and get yelled at, for some reason I feel like that would make me feel better and more willing to do my homework. Not that I'm not going to do my homework, I just needed to do some bitching so I will be able to let my anger go for a while when I'm actually doing the work. I'm such a mess.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Manic Ramblings Part Uno
Ciao. I'm trying this whole thing again. Perhaps it is because I'm manic. Another reason could be that I feel like less of myself because I haven't written so long, and I'm convinced that any skill I convinced myself that I possessed has faded away over the year(s?). Hopefully I remember to write something at least once a week. I do believe that these blogs can be a lot of help, and on my part they are very interesting and entertaining. I feel like I can express myself better now that I have stopped taking my medication. We will see how long this lasts.
A little bit about me: I have a boyfriend, we'll call him C. He is very personable, optimistic, and loves video games, movies, and music. He is a nerd and uses big words that make me feel like an idiot in comparison. I am needlessly jealous when it comes to him. I am always with him except for while I am in class. I have two girl friends, S and E. I see less of them, but I will talk about them if something important happens. I attend a very nice university. My mother is negative, a bit uneducated, and we have very little if nothing in common. We fight a lot and I don't understand her but I know she loves me. My father is erratic but we have a great deal in common. He is funny and smart, and he loves me a lot as well. These will probably be the most important people I talk about, but others will come and go.
Right now in my life I am attempting to lose all the weight I gained since the holidays started. It's been like twenty pounds, oops. Literally started eating better today. I don't fit into any of my clothes so I should probably hurry. Won't be doing it healthily. I have two tests this week so I'm freaking out about that. Currently streaming the twitch Pokemon marathon thing and have been all day. Um. Dealing with resigning from Greek life, haven't fully unpacked in my new room, dealing with a fear of horror movie characters when I go shower, and trying to turn myself into a super scholar. I drink a lot of coffee and I'm trying to come up with ideas for a video game that I've told myself and everyone that I'm going to create. At the moment nothing really interesting is coming to mind, maybe it's the monotony of the Pokemon music in the background keeping my mind from wandering off into new and intriguing places. C is playing his 3DS and I'm sitting on the floor wondering why they make these lights so harsh and blinding. I swear I have a constant headache. I wonder what he thinks I'm doing, but I also imagine that he doesn't really care. He doesn't worry about things like that. I wish I could read minds, although I know I probably would be so depressed if I could, I think it would sate my curiosity. I would be very smart but very lonely. Hm. Actually I don't think I would want that. Nevermind.
I've always thought that I should start a blog to talk about real world problems and happenings and things like that but I know I wouldn't be able to, I'm too vain. Plus that isn't my writing style, to just summarize. I have to make bold accusations about things and that's not what people really want to hear about, you know?
It almost makes me laugh, the fact that no one will really read this. But I will pretend that I have an audience, I'll put on an illusion of me having some sort of fan base of people who really want to know the inner workings of my mind. Most of the time when people talk to me I fake being interested. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. I just don't get entertained by things that people generally talk about nowadays. Like, pop culture and gossip doesn't really rouse any sort of emotion in me. "Oh, that's nice." "That's cool." "That's stupid." "How crazy!" "What a loser!" Those sort of things are what have become my common responses. Oh my god! I want to RPG with someone, I think that would be fantastic! If I work ahead and get my things done, perhaps I will have the time (and motivation?!) to begin talking with someone again for fun! I love that sort of thing. My mind is all over the place and I'm sure I'm not making any sense at the moment, but I'm manic and happy and so excited about the possibility of role playing with someone again that I think i will get in contact with someone now! Arrivederci!
A little bit about me: I have a boyfriend, we'll call him C. He is very personable, optimistic, and loves video games, movies, and music. He is a nerd and uses big words that make me feel like an idiot in comparison. I am needlessly jealous when it comes to him. I am always with him except for while I am in class. I have two girl friends, S and E. I see less of them, but I will talk about them if something important happens. I attend a very nice university. My mother is negative, a bit uneducated, and we have very little if nothing in common. We fight a lot and I don't understand her but I know she loves me. My father is erratic but we have a great deal in common. He is funny and smart, and he loves me a lot as well. These will probably be the most important people I talk about, but others will come and go.
Right now in my life I am attempting to lose all the weight I gained since the holidays started. It's been like twenty pounds, oops. Literally started eating better today. I don't fit into any of my clothes so I should probably hurry. Won't be doing it healthily. I have two tests this week so I'm freaking out about that. Currently streaming the twitch Pokemon marathon thing and have been all day. Um. Dealing with resigning from Greek life, haven't fully unpacked in my new room, dealing with a fear of horror movie characters when I go shower, and trying to turn myself into a super scholar. I drink a lot of coffee and I'm trying to come up with ideas for a video game that I've told myself and everyone that I'm going to create. At the moment nothing really interesting is coming to mind, maybe it's the monotony of the Pokemon music in the background keeping my mind from wandering off into new and intriguing places. C is playing his 3DS and I'm sitting on the floor wondering why they make these lights so harsh and blinding. I swear I have a constant headache. I wonder what he thinks I'm doing, but I also imagine that he doesn't really care. He doesn't worry about things like that. I wish I could read minds, although I know I probably would be so depressed if I could, I think it would sate my curiosity. I would be very smart but very lonely. Hm. Actually I don't think I would want that. Nevermind.
I've always thought that I should start a blog to talk about real world problems and happenings and things like that but I know I wouldn't be able to, I'm too vain. Plus that isn't my writing style, to just summarize. I have to make bold accusations about things and that's not what people really want to hear about, you know?
It almost makes me laugh, the fact that no one will really read this. But I will pretend that I have an audience, I'll put on an illusion of me having some sort of fan base of people who really want to know the inner workings of my mind. Most of the time when people talk to me I fake being interested. I think I've gotten pretty good at it. I just don't get entertained by things that people generally talk about nowadays. Like, pop culture and gossip doesn't really rouse any sort of emotion in me. "Oh, that's nice." "That's cool." "That's stupid." "How crazy!" "What a loser!" Those sort of things are what have become my common responses. Oh my god! I want to RPG with someone, I think that would be fantastic! If I work ahead and get my things done, perhaps I will have the time (and motivation?!) to begin talking with someone again for fun! I love that sort of thing. My mind is all over the place and I'm sure I'm not making any sense at the moment, but I'm manic and happy and so excited about the possibility of role playing with someone again that I think i will get in contact with someone now! Arrivederci!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)