Realization

I need to put this to rest once and for all. I do not hate him, and that was a terrible thing for me to say. I am paranoid, suspicious, and I am not as forgiving as I thought I was. One lie, that I made into something bigger than what it was. He will not leave me for some model whose picture he favorited on twitter. I favorite pictures of guys too, but I would never even dream of doing such a thing, even if I met them. They are nothing to me, just a pretty face and a nice body but they may as well be the ugliest person in the world compared to my C. I feel nothing for these men other than a momentary attraction; they do not consume my thoughts and own my heart like C. They don't rub my back when I'm too sick to sleep or do ridiculous things to make me happy. And that is why he doesn't get jealous when I do it; he knows that no matter how attractive any man is, I will always be his. He will be the one I marry and have children with and move to California with. And I need to realize that the same goes for him. Those girls mean nothing to him, he loves me with all his heart. I can see the way it pains him when I accuse him of things, and I feel so terrible about it once I come to my senses. Everything he has ever said or done, now or in the past, proves that he will always be true to me, and I need to realize this at heart. I'm getting better, but it's difficult when I feel so bad about myself and feel the need to compare myself with those girls... and yet I know that we are perfect for each other, and every little thing about me makes me the most beautiful girl in the world to him. I need to put this in my heart, in my mind, to believe it without any doubt. It will take some work, and some time, but eventually I will get there. WE will get there. And then I can relax and just enjoy how perfect my relationship with him is, and finally be happy, truly and completely happy about something in my life.

Bitterness and Disgust

I hate him right now. I shouldn't, but I fucking do. I hate him so much that when I look at him, all I want to do is see him cry. I want him to be as unhappy as I am every moment of my miserable fucking life. I want him to want to kill himself as much as I want to be dead. The sight of him makes me sick to my stomach, I hate him. I hate him because I'm so in love with him and he isn't as perfect as I wish he was. Maybe that's unfair of me. I don't trust him, because men aren't to be trusted. They are sneaky, especially the smart ones. They think they are clever enough to get away with anything, they are such good liars. Especially him. So charming as well. I wish he wouldn't talk. So fucking calm and doesn't care about anything doesn't get jealous, so obviously he doesn't give a fuck. He makes me furious and I won't cheer up tonight unless I see him cry. He makes me sick. I want to hate him but I can't. So furious I feel like I'm going to be sick this war raging I want to punch him over and over to he feels the pain that grows progressively worse inside of me to get some idea of what it's like to constantly be in pain I can't stand when he smiles right now I want to hate him I want to hate him but really I just hate myself.