"I don't need to eat anymore." As I'm sitting here, attempting to do my homework, this is the thought that recurs in my mind. I have eaten enough, and although I like to complain about how hungry I am and things like that, I don't need to eat anymore. Don't you see when C scrolls back up on his news feed to look a few seconds longer at those pretty, scantily clad girls that he would rather be with someone who looks like one of them? I can guarantee that no one looks at my pictures like that. Makes me feel great about myself, I've got to tell you. Anyway, these thoughts are plaguing my mind and thus I am unable to do anything productive because I am too worried about whether or not I should starve myself. Wow, food is quite good, but do I even really taste it anymore? I'm not too sure.
I'm very stressed, and I don't want to write down the reasons why because I don't want to look back and remember them later. They aren't really that serious. I just worry about everything. I don't remember if I worried less while I was on my medication but now I'm starting to think that I should go fill my prescription and get back on that crazy grind. But then again those meds are what made me put all this weight on again soooo.... decisions decisions. I've decided not to eat.
My mind is racing and I'm all over the place and I just can't focus on one thing for very long and it's excruciatingly difficult for me to deal with this when all I want to do is everything at once and yet I can't and THUS I type because it enables me to do two things at once- typing and thinking and writing which is the closest I can get to multitasking while still getting things accomplished. That's pretty sad, most people wouldn't consider this multitasking but in the literal sense, it kind of is.
Anyway I want to punch my boyfriend in the face for some reason and I don't know why, so I think not eating would be for the best because it dulls my emotions and I ate pretty unhealthily last night. And really eating like I normally do isn't very much fun, this at least gives me something to bitch about and to give time more meaning. I'm strange. Or maybe I'm not, since I acknowledge it. I wish there was something I could do right now that I could consider intellectually stimulating but I'm actually too lazy to do anything that might make me more scholarly right now and all I want to do is bitch. Bitch bitch bitch. I really want to punch someone and then close my eyes and sleep and not eat. I think it's just this library, I felt so much better in my room, with the fresh air seeping gently through the window. I felt a lot better, happier. I don't know why I am so angry right now, jesus. I wish I could take my therapist's advice and chase away these kinds of feelings but I'm too stubborn to put in that kind of effort, thus they reason why I will remain fucked up like this for quite some time. I really want to punch someone and be really shitty and get yelled at, for some reason I feel like that would make me feel better and more willing to do my homework. Not that I'm not going to do my homework, I just needed to do some bitching so I will be able to let my anger go for a while when I'm actually doing the work. I'm such a mess.
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