Paradox?

I am too depressed to do homework, but the fact that I am wasting time is making me more depressed. I am depressed because I want to eat something fattening, but if I ate even an apple it would make me more depressed. I am depressed because my boyfriend is here and I can't hurt myself, but if he was not here I would be even more depressed and cut myself twice as bad. I am depressed because I don't take my medicine, but the thought of going and getting my prescription makes me more depressed. I am depressed because I don't have money, and yet I don't have money because I'm spending it on things that I hope will make me less depressed. I am depressed because I can't find a reason to smile, but looking at cute, happy, or funny things would make me even more depressed. I am depressed because I am depressed and I really want to hurt myself or scream or something, I feel this terrible hole/weight in my chest and I don't know how to get rid of it but I kind of just want to hit myself really hard to see if I can distract myself from it. I've decided food will stop being the answer because it never helps. I want to sleep but I want to work all day and all night so I have an excuse not to worry about anything else. I want to feel physical pain instead of this pathetic internal shit that I can't do anything about. There isn't any pain killer that can soothe this. Actually, there is, but sadly I don't have any vicodin or oxy or perc or valium or anything like that and it's miserable I wish i had some of that i wish i had something other than this useless fucking lamictal that they give me my god can i at east have prozac i mean shit.

Losing